


Who Wrote The Book Of Love?

by Yahtzee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Backstory, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-21
Updated: 2011-07-21
Packaged: 2017-10-21 15:33:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/226753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yahtzee/pseuds/Yahtzee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a 2004 Marauders fic challenge, I got this prompt:  "One of the boys attempts to use a love potion, with disastrous results." If we decide that later revelations mean Remus is bisexual, this works even better! Just FYI -- my personal take on James Potter is that he's the younger version of Hugh Grant in "About a Boy."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who Wrote The Book Of Love?

"Something's not quite right with Remus," Sirius said.

 

"Why do you say that?" James didn't even open his eyes. He was stretched out in a patch of shade close to the lake's edge, enjoying a lazy April afternoon.

"He's just been – odd – the last couple of days. Odd, you'd say. Ah, different."

James finally abandoned his last hopes of a nap and opened his eyes. Instead of practicing Quidditch with some of his buddies on the Ravenclaw team, as was the plan, Sirius was huddled next to James, staring out at the water. James pushed himself up on his elbows. "Different how?"

"With, you know – with Georgette."

"Is that all you're worried about?" James shook his head and grinned. "Now I know you've never been in love. EVERYONE acts stupid right at first. It's in the rulebook; if anybody ever finds the blasted thing, it'll probably be written up top, first page. 'Thou shalt act like a blazing idiot the first month thou art in love.' Or something like that."

"Had he ever mentioned Georgette Fitzwallace to you? Ever?"

"Nope. But you know Remus. He plays things close to his chest."

"That he does." Abruptly, Sirius rose to his feet, brushing bits of grass and twigs away from his robes. "And since when have you ever been in love, so that you can give lectures on it?"

James didn't answer, and had the distinct impression that his cheeks might be turning red.

Sirius smirked. "For the nine hundredth time, Lily Evans is never going to go out with you." James' reply was a rude gesture, which at least earned him one of Sirius' barking laughs. But after a moment Sirius was solemn again as he said, "I don't think Remus is in love with Georgette. It won't last more than a day or two more. Mark my words."

"Maybe it's not love," James agreed, though he realized as he said it that it was hard to imagine quiet, steadfast Remus finally going public with a romance for anything less than a serious emotional  
attachment. Still, he hadn't talked to Remus about it, and thus far his only knowledge of the couple came from watching them snog unabashedly in the Great Hall and in the Gryffindor common room. "Maybe it's just lust."

Sirius did not appear to be cheered by this. "Right. Well. I'm off to Quidditch practice. Taro and Lucy are going to help me get ready for next week."

"You still think you might fly on next year?" Privately, James felt almost certain that Sylvia Browne would end up being Gryffindor's new Beater; it was usually better to invest in a younger player than to take someone on for only his seventh year. But Sirius was good, and there was no point in dashing his hopes.

"Seems worth a try." Had anyone ever sounded so glum about finally making the Quidditch team? But when James sat up to really try and study his friend's face, Sirius turned and jogged off, shouting behind him, "See you at dinner!"

What was all that about? Granted, Remus finally having a girlfriend would change things, maybe not for the better. But Peter had had a string of girls, and James had gone out with Miriam Canning for a few months last year; despite a few adjustments (less swearing, more dressing up), they'd all remained good friends throughout everything. So why worry about Remus?

James imagined it would all blow over quickly enough, whatever it was. Probably another of Sirius's moods, no more.

**

At dinnertime, James sat with Sirius and Peter. Remus was nowhere to be seen.

"Off snogging in the clock tower, probably," Peter said through a mouthful of shepherd's pie. "High time Moony got over his shyness, if you ask me. He's needed something like this."

"Remus isn't in the clock tower, or he's not snogging if he is," Sirius replied, sounding altogether too satisfied. "Georgette Fitzwallace is sitting over there, see? With Evans."

So she was. James stared at them for a few moments, glad for any excuse to look at Lily. Her auburn hair was halfway down her back by now – he'd overheard one of the girls offering to cut it for her, which would be a crime, really –

As if able to feel his eyes on her back, Lily glared over her shoulder at him. James whipped back around to give his dinner new and concentrated attention, ignoring the snickering he could hear from Peter.

Sirius pronounced his verdict: "Over as soon as it began."

"Maybe he's just studying," Peter said. "You can be interested in a girl without spending every waking minute thinking of her. Don't use our poor friend James as an example."

"I do not spent every waking minute thinking of Lily Evans," James insisted.

"Hmmm. Was that an admission of interest? Only three weeks after a certain someone proclaimed he was done with thinking about a certain Miss Evans forever?" Sirius raised his eyebrows, looking for all the world like Professor McGonagall swooping down upon a wrong answer.

Exasperated, James said, "Tell me, Sirius, do you actually enjoy knowing all your friends have rotten love lives?"

"Speak for yourself," Peter said.

James ignored this. "Are you only happy when we're unhappy? Does misery really love company that much?"

"No! James, I – honestly, I didn't mean it that way. Not at all." Sirius looked so utterly crestfallen that it was impossible not to believe and forgive him. "I want Remus to be happy. More than anything."

That seemed like an odd way to put it, but James believed him. "And me?"

Sirius considered that for a few seconds. "I want you to be happy too, but facts are facts. For the nine-hundred-and-first time, Lily Evans is NEVER going to go out with you."

James couldn't stop laughing long enough to get angry.

 

**

That night, two third-years decided it would be funny to set loose several dozen Chocolate Frogs they must have saved from the last Hogsmeade visit. Small leaping blobs of chocolate bounced from place to place in the common room, leaving tiny cocoa footprints on every table and chair and wall. Lily Evans darted that way and this, trying to catch or enchant them all while the first-years giggled; James, who liked opportunity as much as he liked chocolate, joined in Lily's efforts. He even managed to capture one in his mouth, which he was absolutely, positively certain made Lily laugh. Or maybe that was just because another of the frogs had landed smack atop his head.

When most of the other students had gone to bed, and only four or five more froggy fugitives hopped around the room, James decided he could risk some conversation. "Is being a Prefect always this much fun?"

"You'll never have to worry about it, Potter," Lily said, pulling her hair up and away from her neck as she panted for breath. Did girls have any idea how sexy something like that could be? "Though you usually do have help from your other Prefects. Where on earth is Remus?"

Come to think of it, Remus hadn't shown his face all night, save for a quick run into their shared room after dinner. "Off with Georgette, no doubt."

Lily scowled. "Not likely. He broke up with her this afternoon. Didn't you know?"

"No. He never mentioned it. They only just started going out, didn't they?" Had Remus perhaps kept it a secret from them for a while?

"Scarcely four days! But she says he laid it on awfully thick, then bam. Dropped her like that."

"That doesn't sound like Remus," James said.

He was expecting a scornful reply about the evils of men, but instead Lily nodded and sighed. "I know. It's not like him. But Georgette wouldn't lie, not about something like that."

Were they having a civil conversation? No teasing? No fighting? James quickly reminded himself that the best way to keep this going would be to stop congratulating himself and concentrate on the subject at hand. "Did they argue about something? Remus isn't a hothead – unlike some of his friends –" This bit of daring earned him a laugh. "—but if he feels strongly about something, especially something important, he can be fierce." The aftermath of their dangerously stupid prank on Severus Snape had made that clear; for a while, James had been afraid none of their friendships would survive.

But Lily shook her head. "Nothing like that. He just walked up after Ancient Runes and dumped her in front of a flock of Ravenclaws. Sounded really nasty, honestly. And that doesn't sound much like Remus."

It was so strange, realizing that Lily knew Remus almost as well as James did himself. Even stranger was realizing that she wasn't the first person who had said something like this. "You know, Sirius said Remus was acting strangely lately."

"Black noticed something about human behavior?"

James frowned at her; he didn't mind Lily making fun of him – he'd earned it, after all – but his friends another matter. "He noticed before either of us did, apparently."

Lily looked down at the floor, so her hair fell in a curtain, obscuring her face. Was she embarrassed about having mocked Sirius? James couldn't tell. "What did he say?"

"Nothing specific. But then, I wasn't really listening. I thought – well, doesn't matter what I thought. I'll try and talk to Remus about it tomorrow, maybe."

"Let me know what he says," Lily replied as she headed up to the girls' rooms. It took James almost a full minute to realize she'd asked him to talk to her tomorrow. She was planning on talking with him. Waiting for it, even! That was almost like a date – if you were, in fact, truly desperate.

Another entry in the rulebook of love, were ever to be located: _Thou shalt not invent dates where they do not exist, for an imaginary date doth always end up even more disappointing than the real thing._

Sighing, James went off to bed.

**

The next time he saw Remus was at breakfast. Remus was sitting at the Slytherin table. With Simone Montmorency. Specifically, with his tongue down Simone Montmorency's throat.

James made the first intelligent comment he could think of: "Bloody hell?"

"Told you," Peter said with a satisfied grin. "It was PAST time for Moony to start having a bit of luck with the ladies."

Sirius slumped over his breakfast. "I just don't understand it."

"What's to understand?" Peter said. "Simone Montmorency – sure, she's a Slytherin, but she's a fox."

James found that he agreed with both his friends; Remus' behavior was definitely unusual – but Simone Montmorency was definitely a fox.

Out of habit, he searched the room for Lily Evans. She was at the far end of the table, her face dark. Next to her, Georgette Fitzwallace held her napkin to her face; it looked as though she'd been crying. Lily glanced up – again, as if sensing his gaze – but this time, her anger seemed to encompass James along with Remus. Apparently being Remus' friend was another of  
his crimes in Lily's eyes.

Fine, James said to the Lily in his mind, with a surge of irrational anger. Be that way. If you're determined to find the worst in everyone, you will. Probably Georgette was just too much of a whiny drip for Remus to worry with her any longer. And this way, you can finally hate ALL of us instead of making an exception for Remus.

Arguing with Lily, even only in his imagination, was always invigorating. But James couldn't shake his bad mood, because he couldn't forget Sirius' downcast face.

**

For the next two days, Peter laughed, Sirius moped and Remus had absolutely no apologies for his behavior.

"It's not like I MARRIED Georgette Fitzwallace," Remus said one morning, as he straightened his red-and-gold tie.

"Well – no – it's just odd, is all –" James was acutely aware of how inadequate his language skills were to dealing with such a scenario.

"Just seems like a change of pace for you, Moony." Sirius seemed to have given up even his usual half-hearted attempts to tame his hair and glowered up from beneath an unruly mane. "A big change of pace."

"A change for the better, I hope." Remus smiled at his own reflection, then jogged out of their room with his robes fluttering behind him. Sirius slumped back onto his bed, as if surrendering before the day even began.

"Go get 'em, tiger!" Peter called after him.

Then, on Friday night, James saw Simone Montmorency running down a hallway in tears. Confused, he looked back the way she had come; there, against the door of the Charms classroom, was Remus – with his arms wrapped around Paulina Janacek. The nearby paintings were elbowing each other in the ribs, giggling and blushing brilliant shades of rose madder.

Paulina Janacek -- the most gorgeous girl in Hufflepuff, the most gorgeous girl in all of Hogwarts if you didn't count Lily, the one absolutely none of his friends would ever have dared talk to, much less kiss – which was what Remus was doing right now –

Okay, James said to himself. Something is officially very, very weird.

He marched through Hogwarts, searching for absolutely anyone to discuss this latest turn of events with. Although he hadn't specifically been seeking Lily, he wasn't at all sorry to find her first, sorting through sheet music in the choir room. "Remus dumped Simone for Paulina Janacek," he announced.

No sooner had James realized that it sounded both melodramatic and a bit nosy. But instead of laughing, Lily stood up abruptly, scattering music on the floor. A few stray notes sounded, out of key. "But this afternoon –"

"He was with Simone?"

"No, he was getting all cuddly with that Ravenclaw girl. The one with the short-short hair, the blonde, what's her name –"

"Alexandria," James supplied, even more startled than he had been. "This – this is –"

"Not like Remus," they finished in unison.

For a few moments they just stared at each other, and it would have been hard to say whether they were more shocked to realize that Remus' womanizing was more than just rowdiness or to have found each other in complete agreement on any subject whatsoever. "Well –" Lily began, "What do we do? Confront him?"

James shook his head and sat near the chorale toads' tank; they regarded him with beady eyes as he spoke. "I've asked him about it – he doesn't acknowledge that anything's different at all. No, wait. He doesn't _recognize_ that anything's different at all."

"He could change his behavior over time," Lily mused. "But not within a week!"

"No, that seems a bit abrupt. Particularly for someone who leads as scheduled a life as our Remus." As soon as James had spoken the words, he could have kicked himself; even so oblique a hint about Remus' true nature might give the game away to someone as smart as Lily. But she didn't seem to have caught it, worried as she was about other things.

"So if this isn't isn't something he's done – then it's something that was done to him."

Staring at Lily, James said, "You think he's been spelled?"

"Trust me: When you're a Prefect, you see these sorts of pranks all too often. But –" She folded her arms. "It's an odd sort of a prank, if that's all it is."

"How could it be anything else?" James said. Then he thought of the answer to his own question; he didn't believe it, but there was no blaming Lily or anyone else for paranoia, not these days. "There's scary stuff afoot these days – I know that – but I doubt You-Know-Who gets his jollies messing with students' love lives."

"All right. It's a prank. But who would do such a thing?"

James grimaced as the idea came to him. "I think I know where to start."

**

Sirius flopped down on his bed. "I admit it. It's all my fault."

"I should have realized," Lily said sharply. James wasn't any happier with Sirius than she was, but all the same, he wished she'd lay off a bit; Sirius looked utterly miserable. "What did you do?"

"It's what I didn't do." Sirius sighed. "Listen. I'll apologize to him, and maybe that will settle him down."

"Apologize?" James said. "For what?"

To his surprise, Sirius flushed with embarrassment. "It's – well, it's complicated." His eyes flickered over to Lily, as if hoping she would leave.

Lily didn't take the hint. "I'm sure we can follow you."

"Don't know about James here, but you can. Since you saw - since you saw me and Theo Felixtus last year."

James glanced back and forth between the two of them. Lily's mouth had formed a soft O of understanding, but he remained in the dark. How could Theo Felixtus have anything to do with anything? He'd been in Ravenclaw, graduated at the end of last year. Quiet. Not interested in Quidditch. Sort of friendly with Sirius. What did Lily know about Theo, or about Sirius, that James didn't?

Sirius rolled over so that he faced his own pillow; it muffled his words as he spoke. "Remus is getting back at me, you see. For – for not taking him seriously."

This made no sense; Sirius was closer to Remus than any of the rest of them. James asked, "Did you – say something, or –"

"It's what I didn't say. What I didn't do." Sirius clutched the pillow tighter. "It's none of your business, you know. But – God, James, I've got to tell somebody –"

"It's all right." James sat down on the edge of the bed, bracing himself. Sirius' eyes met his, seeking support in a way he hadn't since he'd run away from home last summer. Had it not been for Lily's presence, James might even have touched Sirius' shoulder. "Go on."

"Remus and I – we'd been – fooling around."

First James thought they'd been playing a prank. Then other meanings of the phrase "fooling around" entered his mind, knocking over absolutely everything else in there. "Oh," he said intelligently. "Oh."

"And I thought – I mean, I acted like – you know, it was just fooling around. Nothing important. But I always thought Remus maybe wanted it to be more, and he'd try to talk about it, but I wouldn't. I thought – if we talked about it out loud, admitted it really was important – then I might just mess it up, you know? Then he took off and left me alone, and the first time I saw him with Georgette – well, I knew then. It wasn't just fooling around, not for me." Sirius took a deep breath. "I tried to talk to him. I told him how I really felt, deep down. But he won't listen to me any longer. I blew it. And he's getting back at me. That's what it is."

James didn't know what to say, or what to do, or where to look. Various stray thoughts and suspicions he'd had over the past several months were clicking together now, forming a pattern. Remus was – Sirius and Remus were –

He looked up into Lily's face, and to his surprise, she appeared to be furious – at him. While Sirius wasn't glancing in their direction, she mouthed the words, _Don't be a jerk._

Stung, James drew back from her. Did she honestly think he thought so little of his friends? Sure, what Sirius had just said made him feel weird – very, very weird – but he was still Sirius, and Remus was still Remus. They were two of the three best friends he'd ever had in his life, or ever would have. None of that changed just because they were, well, gay. Then it occurred to him that maybe Sirius didn't know that.

"Listen," he said, as gently as he could manage. "Remus isn't very good at holding a grudge. You know that. We'd be in bad shape if he were."

"True." Sirius slowly turned his head from the pillow, as if unable to believe that James was still sitting there.

"So he'll get over this. You guys will talk. And, you know, you'll be – the two of you – you'll patch things up." It wasn't the most eloquent speech James had ever made in his life, but as he saw Sirius' face brighten in hope and relief, he figured he'd done well enough.

Lily stepped a little closer, and there was an expression in her eyes as she looked at James that he'd had never seen before – had never even allowed himself to hope to see. But it was Sirius she spoke to. "I realize why you're feeling so awful, but honestly – I don't think it's you."

"But I just told you –"

"Sirius, come on. Remus might have been angry, but he wouldn't hurt those girls' feelings just to get revenge. He's kinder than that. Don't you think?"

"You're right," Sirius said, frowning. "It's the sort of stupid thing I'd do, if I were mad enough. But still – if that's not it – then why –"

"Hey-hey!" Peter crowed, swinging in through the door. "Did you guys check out Remus? Making time with Alexandria Page, can you believe it? He's a WILD MAN, now! About time! Oh – hi, Lily."

Lily's eyes narrowed. Sirius frowned.

James stood up and demanded, "Peter – WHAT DID YOU DO?"

**

As it happened, Peter had been writing an essay for Potions when he came across a rather powerful love spell, guaranteed to maximize a person's interest in the opposite sex and ensure that this interest was returned in abundance. The spell also ensured that, at least for a few weeks, the person's romantic interests would override all other concerns, not to mention morality and apparently even sexual preference. "You don't understand. Remus had a bad case of the blues. He said he wouldn't ever find anyone to be with. And that was nonsense! I just thought Remus needed a little more confidence," Peter protested, as the others bustled him off to the library to find the spellbook. "What's wrong with confidence?"

"Generally, nothing," James said. "Now? Everything. We're breaking that spell, and we're doing it now."

It turned out to be a fairly simple counterspell; with her Potions expertise, Lily was able to whip up the essence of laburnum in less than half an hour. By the time Remus strutted into their shared bedroom, they had all returned, Lily included, and were sitting on his bed waiting.

"What's this? Group meeting?" Remus said, slipping out of his cloak. Then he cocked his head appraisingly. "By the way, Lily, have I ever told you that you have beautiful hair?"

"Me?" Lily brightened.

"Stunning. That perfect shade between red and gold –" Remus reached out and took a strand of it between his fingers.

Lily's cheeks flushed pink; James stared at her, aghast, until she shook her head. "It's the spell," she explained, quickly tossing the laburnum into Remus' face.

The powder hung heavy and gold in the air, and they all coughed, Remus hardest of all. "What the devil –" Remus rasped. "Why did you – Lily – oh. Oh. Oh, my word –"

James glanced over at Lily, whose cheeks were the correct color again. "It's done," she said. "I can feel it."

Remus straightened up. "Oh, NO."

Sirius pointed. "Peter did it."

"I'm sorry!" Peter winced. "You'd said you were feeling lonely. I thought it would help."

Slumping against the bedpost, Remus groaned. "Now I've hurt Georgette's feelings – and Alexandria's – and Paulina – "

"Don't forget Simone," James supplied.

Remus gave him a dirty look. Rising from the bed, Lily hugged him around the shoulders. "You'd been spelled; you couldn't help it. Listen, I'll go with you to explain, all right? Just about the spell, I mean. We can do it first thing in the morning."

"Before breakfast," Remus said. "I feel awful." He was looking at Sirius when he said it.

"Don't feel bad. You're all right now. We're – everything's all right now." Sirius smiled up at Remus, and all at once James had the sense it might be better to leave them alone.

"Prefect Evans," James said, "isn't there some sort of House punishment for casting spells on other people without their permission?" Peter gaped at James, betrayed; by reply, James gave him a no-hard-feelings slug on the arm.

"Well, technically, it's against the rules, but –" Lily caught sight of the look on Sirius' face, then corrected herself. "Absolutely. Anyone who casts such a spell has to – has to – has to sleep in the common room for one night."

Peter's bewilderment became even greater. "That's not a real rule!"

"It is now. Get on with you." Lily threw one of Peter's pillows at him, and Peter took off down the hall, grumbling.

"Hang on, Peter! I'll stay out there with you. Keep you company." James grabbed his own pillow and used the excuse to take one of Lily's hands in his. "See you two in the morning, all right?" He hurried out, towing Lily behind him, before either Sirius or Remus could answer. They didn't look much like they were eager to talk to him, anyway.

Once they were in the hallway, Lily said, "You surprise me, Potter."

"How so? Holding your hand?"

James could have cursed himself for saying it out loud, because Lily immediately drew her hand back. But she was smiling as she did so. "Finding out that Remus and Sirius are – well, that they're together – a lot of boys wouldn't be very mature about that."

In truth, James didn't know if he felt "mature" about it or not; the whole idea would take some getting used to. So would the fact that Lily had apparently known something about Sirius he hadn't, and had kept that secret for Sirius all this time. But one thing was certain: "They're my best friends, no matter what."

"Tolerant and loyal." Lily cocked her head to one side, and her smile had become much warmer. "You know, in another man, that combination would be rather appealing."

James quickly said, "Oh, I totally support them. Totally. I'm happy two of my best friends are gay. Very happy. Thrilled, even. I live in the hope that Peter will be gay too and make my life complete."

"Do you ever tire of dishing out nonsense?"

"No." He smiled back at her. "Will you ever enjoy hearing it?"

Lily shook her head, and yet James had the distinct sense her answer wasn't No. "Good night," she said over her shoulder as she walked away. "Enjoy the common room."

James hugged his pillow, and was immediately embarrassed when Sirius opened the door, saw him and raised an eyebrow. To cover his excitement, James said, "Don't tell me you haven't got better things to do tonight than loiter in the hallway."

"Blankets," Sirius said, thrusting a few folded quilts in James' direction. "Remus says you'll freeze after the fire's out."

"The house-elves will keep it going," James pointed out. "But thanks anyway."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Couldn't help overhearing –"

"See, I told you Lily would listen to me eventually. I'm halfway there."

"That's not what I meant," Sirius said, more quietly. "Thanks for still being our friend."

That was like Sirius thanking him for breathing oxygen. James shrugged and said, "Thanks for being mine."

Sirius smiled, a quiet smile very unlike his usual grin. But as he turned to shut the door, he said, "For the nine-hundred-and-second time -- Lily Evans is never going to go out with you."

"You won't be saying that a thousandth time," James predicted.

"Imagine," Sirius said, clearly speaking to both James and the unseen Remus now. "What kind of a man is happy because he thinks he's only going to go through 97 more rejections?"

"One who can see the glass half-full. I believe they're called 'optimists.' Peculiar breed," Remus replied.

Sirius laughed. "I'm staring to see where they get it, you know?" With that, the door to their room finally swung shut.

As he headed for the common room, James added one more rule to the rulebook: _Thou shalt find love in the damnedest places._

 _Really,_ he thought, _I should start writing all this down._


End file.
